How PBS and NPR can go commercial

“The public broadcasting people are too snooty to run traditional advertisements,” I said to a giddy media consultant.
“The Trump-backed bill rescinded more than $1 billion in public broadcasting funds,” said the consultant. “That’s about 1 percent of NPR’s budget — and 15 percent for PBS — but they’ll still beg consultants like me to tailor their ads.”
“What do you have in mind?”
“Pfizer would pay a fortune for this one: 75-year-old Norm Abram, from ‘This Old House,’ stands in front of a construction project as he says, ‘At my age, erections aren’t getting any easier. That brings us to today’s sponsor …’”
“You can’t do that!” I said.
“Big Food is under pressure as Robert F. Kennedy Jr. cracks down on artificial additives. They’d pay millions for a spot featuring Cookie Monster eating a cherry confection, as he says, ‘Me love Red Dye No. 40!’”
“Oh. My. God!”
“One beer maker could win back blue-collar customers with an ad featuring Oscar the Grouch, who says, ‘I’m grumpy no more thanks to my favorite new can — a 24-ounce Bud Light tallboy!’”
“No!” I said.
“I know of another sponsor that would pay big for PBS to rename ‘All Creatures Great and Small’ to ‘All Creatures Great and Tasty.’”
“Let me guess — Weber Grills?”
“That’s right,” said the consultant. “How about a Big Bird spot where he says, ‘I finally reached my lofty goal of overcoming depression — with Zoloft!’”
“That’s outrageous!” I said.
“Gambling addiction has opened up huge revenue opportunities. How about this ‘Morning Edition’ ad: ‘With new partner DraftKings, we’re taking wagers on whether our hosts say “climate crisis” or “right-wing extremist” first!’”

“Unbelievable.”
“We’ll drive up ratings — and ad rates — by leaking a few scandals,” said the consultant. “Did you know Kermit’s been pressuring interns to join him for after-hours trysts at his lily pad?”
“Kermit would never! Look, it’s true that NPR editor Uri Berliner said in 2024 that NPR had ‘lost the public’s trust’ by becoming ideologically one-sided. Former NPR CEO Ken Stern reached the same conclusion after spending a year talking to people in red states. He wrote about it in his book, ‘Republican Like Me.’”
“Appealing only to bicoastal elites is no way to grow an audience,” said the consultant.
“It’s true that NPR pushed the now-debunked Steele dossier and Russia collusion narrative, while suppressing the Hunter Biden laptop story. NPR treated the COVID lab-leak theory like a conspiracy — even as U.S. intelligence agencies now say it’s the most likely explanation.”
“We recommend NPR change its afternoon news broadcast to ‘Most Things Left Unconsidered,’” said the consultant.
“And it’s true that in 1967, when public broadcasting began, there were only three major TV networks,” I said. “With podcasts, YouTube and streaming everywhere, it’s hard to justify funding a media outlet that doesn’t serve most Americans.”
“Well,” said the consultant. “Public broadcasting sold out to the left for years — thanks, in part, to generous government handouts. With that funding disrupted, you may be surprised how fast they sell out again — this time to the highest bidder!”
“With the help of consultants like you?” I said.
“That’s right. I know one sponsor who will give NPR a blank check for renaming ‘Fresh Air’ to ‘Who Needs Fresh Air, Anyway?’”
“Let me guess — ExxonMobil!”

Copyright 2025 Tom Purcell, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.